How unleashing your inner ‘wild woman’ could be the ticket to unprecedented self-love.

I’m not sure how I became so insecure with my body. My mum was always comfortable in her skin and I’m sure she believed that I would follow suit. She was the ideal female role model and as a little girl and a teenager, she taught me self love and compassion,  frequently feeding me the belief that I was beautiful as I was and that I would grow into a perfectly proportioned woman. My mum was a fine example of confidence and femininity. In fact, I vividly recall sitting on the floor of her dressing room as a child, watching my mother radiate the most breathtaking feminine energy, as she applied her makeup then dressed effortlessly in flowing skirts, espadrilles and thick leather waist belts to highlight her hourglass figure. She was that woman that turned heads as she walked into a room, and as a young girl, I dreamed of experiencing these moments myself one day. 

Perhaps it was the lack of male attention due to my dad being so absent in my growth years and I actually craved the compliments from dad rather than mum, or maybe it was that one time those teenage boys yelled out “fat skank” as  i walked up the street in a denim mini skirt at 12 years old showing off what I had thought were ‘good legs’. Maybe I can blame the Australian culture for sexualising nudity, rather than accepting it as ‘normal’ like many of the European cultures, or maybe it was because I never had the opportunity to attend a dance class where I could learn to be in touch with my feminine form. Nonetheless, I have lacked confidence in my physical self my entire life. The journey of loving myself in my body, and finding the confidence to feel deeply free in my own skin has been one of my greatest roadblocks to self growth. 

When I joined a coaching program after a broken marriage and a couple of failed attempts at a new relationship, It’s safe to say that I was rock bottom and my self love practices consisted of fuelling myself with alcohol, over-training at the gym and flirting with men that I had no intentions with, simply for self validation. Every small ounce of attention from a male would give me a quick tick of validation, which was always followed by the same feelings of not being good enough. I would find myself ‘acting free’ on a dance floor, as I stared daggers at the beautiful woman dancing with her eyes shut, moving freely – embodied – feminine- with no care in the world. As I stiffly shook my hips, I would glance around for male approval, then convince myself that the ‘other woman’ was being slutty and was probably the type of girl that would take off her clothes for anyone. Yet deep down I wanted to feel what she was feeling. 

When I came across the ‘homework’ to partake in a boudoir photoshoot as part of my coaching program, I quickly pushed the idea to the back of my head, telling myself that this homework was for the prettier women- the women with better bodies and that I wasn’t good enough to get the tick of approval from men. For me it was always about validation. 

Then, like a sign from the universe, I was approached online by a photographer who had seen my published photo from a car event that I had attended for a work colleague. I had posed with the cars for a bit of fun and my ammateur photos were online. The photographer asked if I would be interested in TFP (a trade of services – my modelling in exchange for photos for his portfolio). The timing was fit. I had nothing to lose (not even money), and so I bit the bullet and asked if he had experience in boudoir. Ah the ultimate test of me being comfortable in my own skin – in front of a camera!

The Shoot:

Me. Lingerie. Camera. Photographer. Exposed. Having a Boudoir photo shoot was one of the most challenging things I have ever done for myself. For once, I was doing something for me- not for anyone else’s approval or validation. I was lucky that the photographer who approached me was experienced and I quickly learnt after speaking with him and reaching out to some of the models that he had worked with in the past, that he was professional, tasteful and a respectful family man. (Yes it had crossed my mind that he could be a rapist or a serial killer, so references are a must). Joe worked with me prior to my shoot, so that I wasn’t aimless when I turned up to the shoot. He sent me example photo shoots, names of girls I could talk to online for encouragement and ideas and suggested what I could wear. He booked a hotel room to take the photos so that we were in neutral territory. We agreed to a couple of styles of photographs and he told me to bring a few outfit changes, jewellery, heels and fresh flowers. As I pulled all of my gear together in the days prior, I could feel the nerves and excitement brewing. I had no idea how I would do this, and how I would feel comfortable and not awkward. I was kicking myself for not being stricter with my nutrition in the weeks leading up and as I scrolled the models on his instagram page, I felt a pang of inadequacy, then reminded myself why I was doing this. If I hated the photos, then I never had to do anything with them. No pressure. No pressure. No Pressure. 

I remember now, on the day of the shoot meeting Joe in the hotel lobby. I had my makeup done, my hair was perfect and I was wearing sky high heels. As I got into the elevator, I recall making eye contact with myself in the mirror. And in that moment I let go. Wow. I looked beautiful. This was a chance to be free- to fully embrace the experience and let go. If I can’t love myself now- in a moment of true vulnerability and in the ultimate feminine space, then when will I ever? So I left the old me in the elevator and decided to ‘Carpe Diem’. While it did still take me a little while to ‘warm up’, I managed to relax into my shoot relatively fast. The lighting was dim (perfect for boudoir) and so it flattered my body. I owned up to Joe about my insecurities (please no bum shots and can we be kind to my lower belly pooch). This communication was oh so important because Joe nurtured me, encouraged me into my best angles and respected my insecurities. We were not rushed, and there were many moments where I laughed if I felt awkward instead of judging myself. There were nipple slips, leg cramps and awkward double chin moments, but with trust in myself and my photographer, I felt confident that this was all a part of the experience and was able to let my inner wild woman free.  Ah so this is what it feels like! Before I knew it, I was coming up with poses on my own, and a natural sparkle was coming out in the photographs as the shoot progressed. I was fuelled with adrenaline, pride and confidence and was able to truly believe that I was a worthy subject for the lens. For once, I was entirely present in my body and the me that drove home that day was experiencing a whole new chapter of self love and acceptance. 

When Joe contacted me with the photos a few days later, I was shocked. He sent me some rough unedited shots, and admittedly I was in awe. I couldn’t believe how beautifully some of the photos turned out. And that they were unedited. Pride bubbled up into my throat as I scrolled the photos, and when he asked me to select twenty for him to edit, I actually found the process of elimination tricky, because each and every photograph was symbolic of tiny tiny steps towards self love and true feminine embodiment. I now proudly have a framed black and white piece on my bedroom wall with three of my personal favourites and have pledged to myself that I would do this again in a heartbeat  if ever I truly doubted my feminine self – my beautiful female form, my feminine energy and inner wild woman. 

In the mean time, I’d like to encourage every woman to embrace this experience – at least once – for herself. Because one day, you will look back at your twenty, thirty or forty year-old self and wish that you had embraced your ‘younger’, ‘wilder’ self.

MY TIPS FOR A BOUDOIR SHOOT:

• Find a great photographer. Photographers are dime a dozen, but it’s important to find a good one, and someone who makes you feel safe. Social media is invaluable these days but can also be dangerous. By reaching out in the amateur modelling world, resources are at your fingertips. Search hashtags and find local models and photographers, then talk to them, ask questions, ask for references and research before meeting with someone. Make sure the person you choose is confident in Boudoir and is leading you from the beginning, rather than being left feeling aimless.

• Find Your Style: It’s important to have an idea of what style you are going for. Again, scroll social media and Pinterest. Find photos and outfits that resonate and you may even find your photographer linked to the photos.

• Have A Preparation Ritual: If you want to splurge, pay for a professional shoot and a makeup artist and hair stylist. Regardless, make sure you have prepared yourself physically for the shoot. I created a ritual prior to my shoot, making sure my legs and pits were shaved, I was moisturised, smelt good  and that my hair and makeup was on point. Add some heels and lingerie to the equation and my confidence was soaring. 

• Have Outfit Options: Make sure you take plenty of costume changes. Nothing worse than being stuck with one outfit and trying to make it work. Props like fresh flowers or a silky sheet or robe are great too. Don’t be afraid to take the more risky outfit with you as well as the safe option. You can always start with one and progress to the next. 

• Have A Location that you vibe: Some women prefer to have their shoot at home, and that’s fine. But I found that travelling to a shoot location got me in the zone easier. I had no distractions and was able to fully embrace the experience and unleash my wild woman.  

• Carpe Diem: You may not be able to leave all of your insecurities at the door but remember why you are doing this. It is such an empowering experience. Trust me you won’t regret it.

…And just like that, in the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run With The Wolves),

“Bone By Bone, Hair by Hair, Wild Woman comes back.”

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