.. Acing Numero Uno….The ultimate Love journey.
Numero Uno. Number one. In a world where our core desire is to be surrounded by love – to be greeted by our loved ones when we come home, it feels counterintuitive to direct one’s focus inwards rather than to invest it outwardly into our relationships. And rightly so – given that investing all our energy into ourselves and assuming that our relationships will magically unfold is a time bomb waiting to explode into shards of disappointment, unfulfilled desires and unrealistic expectations of what a successful relationship entails. So how does one find a successful balance, when being the opposite – overly invested in our relationships- can quickly become a dangerous and tumultuous journey of dependency and relationship anxiety?
I’ve always been a lover. I grew up dreaming of and believing in romance and soulmates. As a young adolescent, I quickly became fascinated with any novels that were centered around love and intimacy (and sex). I spent most of my teens thinking that each partner was the one i would settle with, followed by a period of sexually fueled single life, followed by meeting ‘the one’ – who turned out to not be the one. When I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, I truly believed that the man I solemnly vowed to love and honour – would be the last man in my life. Little did I know at the time, that I would be in my early 30’s, divorced and battling to understand myself as an individual as well as attempting to find a balance of ‘self’ and ‘relationship’ with a man that on most days feels like he is more into himself than me. Turns out the ‘one’ I married was a scenario of two people that lived and breathed one another to the point that ‘we’ became the norm over ‘you’ and ‘I’. But love is meant to be an obsession – right? He’s meant to be the ying to my yang and fuel me with excitement and entertain me on a daily, isn’t he? And then the stark reality hit. I am the only constant person in my life. I have to put up with ME every day and the relationships in my life are simply added value to the only core stability in my life -myself.
People come and go in life. As the Buddhists so bluntly observe, the only thing certain in life is our death. Therefore, the one continuity in our lives is our self, and as such, loving ourselves is the most crucial thing that we can learn to do. Our journey of self-love is exactly that. It is a life-long journey, and sadly there are many people that travel throughout life that never experience the full experience of self-love, let alone the ability to experience self-love in conjunction with peaceful cohabitation. Our experiences of self-love are so often masked by creating a version of ourselves that we present to the rest of the world. On the surface, we may appear to those observing from the outside that we love ourselves. Hell, you may have even convinced yourself that this image you have created is self-love. Every day, we are exposed to people that create a false image of themselves- someone who is happy, fit, healthy and successful, yet this is merely the art we create for our external world to consume. In addition, this is where the blurred lines between self love, selfishness and having narcissistic tendencies is created, leaving one struggling to find the ultimate balance.
So what about the people that devote their entire lives to caring for other people? You know who I am talking about. This person is so focused on their partner, their children and their friends, that they fail to even take the time to look in the mirror. Some individuals truly believe that love is found by looking externally, rather than inward. I was one of these people and to be honest, some days i resonate with this persona more so than someone who is highly independent and succeeding in looking within for ultimate love in fulfillment. In this state, all of ones energy is directed toward those they love. Without love, I am not worthy or happy or fulfilled. Without people to love, I may as well not exist. If I have no one to love in a romantic sense then I am failing. If I end up alone then I have ultimately failed. They travel through life relying on the care of other individuals and when they experience loss in any form, they feel that they have failed and often spiral into deep depression when that person or those people are no longer.
So how do we begin to find a balance between the love and attention that we invest into ourselves – be true to this and relationships versus the love and attention that we put into ourselves. The answer to this is not so simple. Being ABLE to look after ourselves, that is, to satisfy our own core needs and to practice self care, self development and live life with integrity and whilst meeting another person’s needs is A LOT of work. We are often made to feel guilty for being too ‘selfish’. If a mother wants time out from her child, they are selfish. If we put our own needs before our partners, we often feel guilty. In reality, the true ability to love externally comes from knowing when we need to look after number one – ourselves and how to love ourselves first.
Looking into the eyes of the man I love now, I have finally discovered that investing in our personal growth is often something that is put on the back burner when we become ‘drunk in love’, as Beyonce says. I have been forced to discover myself in the past 24 months and am forever grateful for this journey no matter how much discomfort it has caused. Investing in ourselves is the most difficult thing we can do, but our own journey – the journey of ‘self’ is ultimately the one that matters most.
....Until next time… xox H.V.G
High Value Girl 