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Home is Where The Heart Is

I speak the truth. I’m not here to tell you that everything will be ok and that love conquers all or that you will move onto bigger and better things. No the grass is not always greener. If you are hurting from love or loss, I’ll tell you right now that there is no end. It hurts. It gets worse, then slightly better and then you find yourself in a heap on the floor crying followed by googling “what are the signs of a mental breakdown”? And unless you’re truly lucky, no one will be there to scrape you up and take you into their arms so that you can embrace your inner child and feel for one moment that things WILL… BE…OK….

This was me three days ago. I just experienced the first anniversary of my brothers passing, followed by my partner retreating for the fourth or fifth time, followed by my second brother’s death anniversary, followed by more retreating from my man and a nervous wreck of a mum to deal with on the side.

My friends? My only remaining sibling – nowhere to be seen aside from a brief text here and there. My friends are far spread. I lost a whole crew when i split with my husband and he started a smear campaign convincing everyone that I had cheated, not that he was a drug addict that had more secrets than Rhonda Byrne’s book about the law of attraction. Yes, I was the bad guy. In a single breath I went from married to sleeping on a couch at my mums with garbage bags of slashed clothing compliments of my husband. Those humans i’ve truly deeply connected with are dispersed over Australia and the world. I have no crew. I have no real ‘bestie’ these days. Then there was this man.. My mate from the gym. The one that made my heart pound for no apparent reason, The one that could make me blush and get erect nippes from the other side of the gym floor. His energy. He made me feel invigorated and i couldn’t shake him. Fast forward a couple of years and I still can’t shake this man – this man whom i now know way more about.

I found myself the other day pondering loss, thinking of my brother and wondering when it will start feeling better. Turns out that the pain of loss never subsides, whether it is the death of a loved one or separation of a partnership, there is no grieving process. Our bodies know. The pain comes when it wants and Grieving has no end It has no rules , structure, beginning or prologue. Welcome to adulthood….Welcome to life.

The first time my significant other split from me was two weeks after my brother passed away. I’m a good person. I’m a lover and I forgive easily. I didn’t blame him for this despite herds of people telling me that what he did to me was amongst the worst behaviour they had ever seen. I still felt that having my one off designer tassel vest by some fancy runway designer destroyed By my ex husband was more of a dog act than this precious man feeling ‘overwhelmed’. I even thought to myself “poor him for having to deal with me in this mess called grief”. The downward spiral that occurred after this, I can barely articulate into written words. He left me. I collected my things in the most brutal way. In one go to the point that I removed every aspect of “me” from his home. I went to my tiny apartment and I hit rock bottom. For two months I bounced between snorting copious amounts of cocaine with my male buddies. I worked night shift by choice – to avoid the existence of normal daytime life (and bumping into him) and I experienced the greatest comedown from benzo’s to the point that i dropped about 4kg and could barely swallow a solid meal. I remember shaking and sweating completely alone in my tiny apartment. I trained and trained and trained at the gym because my body was on this weird adrenaline rush.The compliments I received for my physique were hard to swallow because I knew in my heart of hearts that I hadn’t worked hard to earn this physique. It was as though the nervous energy allowed me to reach my peak fitness. I sweated until i cried and I must’ve burned 1000 calories a day from the nervous shaking that had taken over my body.

I also stalked this man – monitored his instagram and obsessed over made up stories about what was doing and why he didn’t want me. I monitored every social media post even turning up the volume to see if there may be another woman in the background. This man hurt me. He created my rock bottom when I thought losing my brother was meant to be my rock bottom. As a result of this, my grieving for my brother was pushed aside as I became obsessed with trying to win the love of my life back.

As I finally began to move on from this man, I opened myself up to other possibilities. I kept my options open and started speaking to other men. I was convinced that my lover would never come back and that my only option was to move on. So i did. Have you ever tried pretending you like vegan food when really you just want meat? This is how i felt dating. No matter who I connected with, they weren’t good enough. I craved his smell, his laughter, his intensity, even his chest hair. I even met the most wonderful guy – someone who would offer me the world, share all of my desired adventures and probably put a ring on it before I even had the chance to think about it. This man swept me off my feet, loved me, fucked me passionately and wasn’t afraid to scoop me up in a public place, wrap my legs around him and tell me I am beautiful. And yet, I was drawn to the dark one that had hurt me.

After much turmoil and three months alone coming off benzos, becoming a high functioning alcoholic and killing my body at the gym, I decided that there was still something inside of me that told me that my lover was the right one for me. Its like he had some kind of magnetic pull towards me. From the very beginning he was like a drug. Once you had a taste you wanted more – needed more. We started hanging out again and sure as hell the passion was so fucking intense. Slowly, we navigated the past and came to the conclusion that we could give things another go. And so it began. It was a couple of incredible months until again, this beautiful soul began to retreat. Never in my life have I come across a person that comes across so strong, masculine and confident, yet who is overwhelmed to the point of switching off completely at the thought of having a woman that loves him dearly and craves a future. So he broke me again, Ended things abruptly after attending a birthday with me. “Do you want to be with me”, I asked. His answer- a blunt “NO”. And so the spiral started again. THe anger- oh god the anger, I threw tea at him, i swung my arms wildly into his chest because I had trusted this man and really, what the fuck is so hard about spending some quality time with, embracing sexual intimacy and havng someone who is willing to move mountains for you?

I’m not cocky, but I’m a catch. I’m attractive – i’d say i turn heads at times., I keep my body in shape, I have a full zest for life- think sunsets, weekends away, hiking, road trips, wineries,holiday planning, styling the home, producing incredible meals and healthy treats. I work full time as a project manager, have a handful of hobbies and my sex drive, well lets just say i’m peaking. I’m on – always on. Really I should be a man’s dream.

Fast forward to August. Round three- or four if you count the little time that lasted a week where he apologised and came back. After months apart again we decided that If this is to thrive, that I would have to move into his home and give the partnership a real go. Living with him. Great! This is progress. Well I knew i was dating an introvert and since moving in, I have been conscientious to not be in his space. We cook dinner, have a quick chat and I retreat to the bedroom. Fridays are shabbat – sabbath day and i’ve learnt to expect very little from him. Saturdays he works. I do my own thing for the morning and then, well, he avoids me. I have a man who doesn’t answer my calls unless it suits him at the time. Sex- well that’s entirely on his terms. If I attempt to initiate i get told that my appetite is insatiable and to go and deal with it myself. Planning a weekend away – impossible. Future holidays? Impossible.

And so I am here. I am breaking inside. I am slowly learning to turn down my zest and my desires and to accept that he loves me less than i love him (yes he said this). He speaks of a relationship that flows yet I see no flow in restrictive behaviour. How can I flow when I am not free to be me? This explorative, sexual, bubbly and intense lover. I desire flow naturally too, but like a vampire, when i’m in my true energy, feeling happy, energetic and invigorated, he appears threatened and sucks my energy, retreating into himself. The rules are, we hang Sundays. Sex is Sundays and maybe once during the week. It’s on his terms. Everything is on his terms.

I am full of pain and angst and yet I crave this man. I am frozen and yet I still desire in the deepest part of my belly to have a future with him. Is he a narcissist you ask? Maybe. Does he love me? Yes. Does he see a future? I don’t think so. And yet I continue to offer him my everything because lying on his chest and staring into his daisy eyes feels like home. How can I argue with home?

Until Next time…

H.V.G. xo

High Value In The Lowest Times

For some time i have been toying with the concept of the ‘High Value Woman’. I had this concept mapped out in my head perfectly like the chronological pages in a novel. Then at 33, for the third time in a year, the love of my life left me again. All of a sudden I was faced with this downward spiral – a crash of intense emotions and pain that I had built up over a lifetime. Me. 33. Alone. But what about the ‘High Value Woman’?! How am I supposed to be ‘High Value’ and write about strength and being a great partner if I am on my own, rock bottom and my life is not in order? Then it dawned on me. Whilst listening to audio messages of support from a best male friend of more than 15 years, I realised that being a woman of worth – someone who has their life in order, does not require ticking off life’s ‘duties’ and being everything. Being ‘High Value’ is much deeper than this. It’s accepting that no matter what life throws your way and no matter who chooses to be – or not be in your life, that you continue to grow and evolve maintain the best version of yourself.

The purpose of this? So that you can provide your “higher self” to yourself as well within other avenues of life. Being “High Value” is more about knowing that your actions are driven by the right motivations and that you are so aware of your story that you can carry it high above your head and not on your shoulders . You do not have to be married, partnered, a mother or a business woman… or, you can be all of the above. Sound cliche? The message that I have finally began to process in my thirties is that you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. When you are truly happy within yourself and have reached that level of pure comfort, confidence and self esteem – AND can maintain this, the natural result is becoming a High Value Woman.

So what does this look like? I’ve met a handful of women in my life that really stood out to me. Not because these women were the most intelligent, most attractive, or most successful in their business ventures, but because they each exuded a sense of balance and confidence in all facets of life. You know who I am talking about. It’s that woman who has her eggs distributed nicely across all her baskets. Regardless of what this woman has going on in her life, she values her self-worth to such a degree that she is able to be confident within herself without the need for reassurance from external sources. The result? Being able to trust in herself and the decisions she makes for herself and her loved ones generates self esteem that is immeasurable. In here lies the key to true contentment and the ability to function at your true ‘best’, thus offering the best of yourself to the world around you.

For me, personally, amongst the most trying and challenging hardships, I have finally been faced with that “Who Am I?” question. And believe me, it’s never too late to have to answer this question. Yes, it’s a fundamentally vulnerable moment of realisation when you acknowledge that for most of your adult years, you have been running full steam ahead in a different direction to where you thought you were headed. This is particularly uncomfortable given that this moment of self-realisation for me has arisen amongst the haze of loss, grief and a true sense of rock bottom. After months of journaling my life, my experiences and my turmoil, I grudgingly realised that in my rush to grow up, I had missed the step of becoming an independent woman that values herself in ALL facets of life. And so here I am taking an honest look in the mirror – realising what and who has shaped me into who I am today, asking the question “what is my value beyond my physical and egocentric self?”

Looking back at me is a raw, rough-edged diamond covered in dirt. But a diamond nonetheless… A diamond that just needs to be polished and placed in the right setting.

And so the journey begins….

Until Next Time.

x H.V.G

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I Am The Strongest Woman I Know

This is my Journey.

My name is Millie Kate. I’m 33, relatively successful and come with a smile on my face. I am fit, healthy and attractive. From an outsiders perspective, I am like most women my age. The truth is, I have experienced great loss, trauma and grief. More than most.
My story is complex. It is painful. I have baggage. I come from a family of 6. Out of 4 kids, we are now two. I had two brothers and two lovers. I am divorced, come from dysfunctional family and have suffered my fair share of adversity in life. Through pain and suffering, I discovered the importance of building real, raw self awareness and taught myself the art of true resilience.
I do not feel sorry for myself. I am the strongest woman I know.

My self discovery journey started late.
Through life’s events and various traumas, I developed the attitude of “keep on keeping on”. I didn’t stop. Oh god it hurt to stop. I thought I was strong, but I was merely ‘coping’. Through pain, i discovered fitness, eating, writing, sex and drinking. I also built the biggest guard to protect myself and an ego that is both my vice and virtue. While I have always lived on the premise of growing through continual self improvement, it took my body physically failing me to stop and begin to truly begin to rebuild myself .

My story may be more complex than yours. It may not. I may have suffered more pain and trauma than most women my age, or perhaps not. Maybe you are hurting more than I am. I’m not here to compare. I am here on a journey of self discovery and personal growth. I am here to share my experiences and to demonstrate that life’s adversities do not have to break you – they can refine you. My quest is to become a High Value Woman – the strongest version of myself so that I can provide the best value as a partner, sister, daughter, friend and one day, mother. If my words can resonate and I can connect with one person on this journey, then I am a success.

I look forward to sharing me.

xox H.V.G

In The Words Of Charles Darwin…