Would You Like Seconds With That?

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Nothing irritates me more than being asked if I would like anything else when I’ve only just taken the first bite of my meal. Let me taste my food, chew, swallow, take a moment to digest, and THEN you can ask me if I would like ‘contorni’, ‘secondi’ or ‘dolci’. Nothing chokes me up more than being abruptly asked when am I having a second child.

Like so many women these days, I chose to put certain priorities ahead in my twenties and early thirties such as career and travel. I was never the ‘motherly’ type by definition and for most of my teenage and adult life, I envisaged a future of work, travel and fur babies. In fact, for a long time, having children was a hard no. If someone asked me the dreaded ‘do you want children?’ question, I would swiftly brush it off. All around me though, I am surrounded by what I call ‘superwomen’. By my definition, ‘Superwomen’ are not those working mums who step out of the house five days a week and drop their bub at daycare. Let’s be honest here mums, what’s more challenging on the soul and psyche? Eight hours of mothering or eight hours of work? Yes- ‘Superwomen’ are those mum’s who are fully- and I mean FULLY immersed in motherhood. They are there all day every day every day and they do not need to ‘escape’. They are there. Just like our mum’s, they don’t work because motherhood is their life, their job and their soul purpose. There is no Au Pair- they are home bodies and they do it all. In fact, many I know don’t even own gym memberships and Instead they squat at home with their baby’s held to their chest, followed by the proud Instagram post. These women always dreamed of a life filled with multiple dimpled butts and gummy smiles. While I was busy planning the next trip, changing my career for the third time and dancing until 4am, some of my closest women- the ‘superwomen’ of my world were growing humans and leading a life that I could never imagine myself living. I guess I kind of assumed that I wouldn’t take the path to motherhood ever, because as I passed the age of 30, my priorities didn’t shift and while I had always been a romantic, getting married was a given, but having children was not.

Becoming a mum did happen for me- it was a huge decision, and even then, I never really fully ‘made the decision’. In my early thirties, I developed mixed thoughts and feelings around ‘potential’ motherhood. After a visit with a very abrupt gynaecologist at 33 to get an IUD, I was told my egg count was ‘low’. For a 33 year old, this is a confronting statement, and because I wasn’t ‘there’ yet, I just accepted the comments and trusted that the universe would give me what I needed. Being someone who prefers the natural approach to so many things in life, freezing my eggs was not an option. As I also believe in the old adage ‘things happen for a reason’, it was easy to develop the mindset that if I wasn’t cut out to be a mum, then I wasn’t cut out to be a mum.

When I fell pregnant at 35 after only one month off the pill, it was a shock. And while I had decided that I was excited to take the next step with my partner, I didn’t exactly feel ecstatic to be pregnant. My first words were ‘oh fuck’ followed by tipping out the bottle of wine on the kitchen bench and a phonecall to my best girlfriend where I proceeded to say ‘fuck fuck fuck fuck i’m fucking pregnant’. But I promptly accepted the gift that is life and immersed myself in the journey of motherhood. I treasured that tiny soul inside of me like she was my universe and I even enjoyed the journey of pregnancy. Yes, I was finally at a stage in my life and relationship where I felt comfortable in all aspects of my life. My career was established, I was fit and healthy and I had done the work.

Fast forward eighteen months into my motherhood journey, and the question of number two lingers, heightened by the external nudges. I am so aware of my age and my mental note to self to have a cut-off age for motherhood. My body still feels in 15% recovery mode and in between feelings of groundhog day, partial longing for my previous life, sense of discipline (and body), I am more than filled to the brim. My daughter continues to surprise me every day and I am falling more and more in love and awe as I watch her evolve and grow. As for number two though, unless you are a ‘superwoman’, how does one decide that two is the right path? Maybe if I had the gift of time, that is, if I were in my early thirties, I could grapple more with this concept, but between the on and off sleep deprivation and feelings of overwhelm, I feel like the moments where I desire to have a newborn again are fleeting. Get it out of the way? Ha. Occasionally (usually when I am ovulating), I get intense feelings of wanting to be pregnant again and to add to our family, but then it’s like I snap out of it and reality kicks in. With the growing chaos in the world and the small feats that make me identify as ‘me’ again, I am truly torn. There is so much that I want to do. So much. The things that make me happy to my core include hiking, yoga, travel, attending music festivals and having a job that I enjoy. Not exactly the perfect list of core interests to accessorise with a baby. And when I dream of the future, there is no concrete vision of what family looks like. I have only the examples portrayed by my beautiful mumma and my sister, who both chose to have tribes.

One? Two? It’s a constant game of tennis and I feel like I am stuck in the net. This is not a light decision for me and as many of you reading this probably know, this pivotal decision changes lives- for better or for worse. For some, embarking on the second child journey leads to a complete loss of self, loss of intimacy, life purpose and even failed marriages. For others, they wouldn’t have it any other way. Their children complete them. Whichever way you look at it, this decision forces me to assess two different identities and the prospect of two completely different life paths. If I could program my ovaries to procreate the cutest little blonde boy with bulging blue eyes and the gentlest of personalities to replace my late brother Henry, then maybe, just maybe I’d go again. But for now, life challenges me. I am a deer in the headlights and eventually, the decision may just be made- FOR me and not BY me.

Until Next Time….

xoxoxo H.V.G.

Mother-Hood or Mother-Should?

As motherhood is the greatest and most natural God-given gift for women for posterity, it would seem that the birth and rearing of children, in the way which to us seems most ideal, would be the most satisfying and the most rewarding career for a woman.

Rose Kennedy

I’ve never been the clucky type. In fact, other people’s babies give me a unique feeling and i wouldn’t say it’s a good one. I find myself overwhelmed by a nervous sensation that’s half way between a fear of dropping them and a deep desire to squeeze their cheeks so hard that they will bruise – before promptly handing them back. Around me, friends and acquaintances are creating families – ‘lives’ and I am left with an unsettling feeling of inadequacy – that even with a successful progressing career as a Project Manager, being fit and healthy- and knowing that i’m breaths away from achieving that milestone of buying my own property, I know I will still have this weird feeling inside of me that I can’t put my finger on – that i’m not good enough as a woman.

As I embark on my mid thirties, I find myself becoming more and more aware of the purpose- the core function of a woman in this world to procreate another human. And it scares me to my womb. My early thirties didn’t go as planned. I suffered the breakdown of a marriage to the man that didn’t want a family to embarking upon a roller-coaster romance with the first man in my adult life that made my ovaries slightly tingle. Amongst numerous break-ups with him, I have found myself wondering about my fertility, my core desires and my ‘truth’ – whether or not I want to be a mother and if that is something that will fill me up to the brim. For sometime now, I’ve been waiting for my ‘maternal instinct’ to kick in and to suddenly want to declare loudly to the world that I want to be a mother!

… But it hasn’t happened. And as I delve deeper with myself in my journey of self discovery and through learning to harvest my femininity via various practices including embodiment, this is one emotion that I haven’t quite managed to fully move through my body. Even as a woman that has spent around fifteen years on the pill to avoid my body’s most primal function, I am aware of a pressure to fulfil this void as a woman. But how does one discern between fulfilling what’s ‘normal’ or ‘expected’ by society, natural instinct (hormones or lack thereof) and genuine desire? While I understand completely that all big life decisions come with a perceived fear attached, this is the one that rattles me the most and the fears aren’t vague.

Firstly, the concept of the stereotypical mum. There is no internal part of me that labels herself as a mum the way society sees her. Becoming that stereotype – going to mother’s groups, giving up my career and independence to push around a pram and bitch about other mothers new botox procedures over almond lattes makes me feel sick to the stomach. I’m more a strap on the chest, hike up a mountain alone kinda girl. On that note, is it politically correct to strap a baby on during a spin class? Maybe he/she can act as extra kilos on the stair climber? I rest my case. I can’t actually see myself feeling content with the fact that I have to tend to another screaming, needy human, rather than go to the gym, bake cookies in peace or earn a living for that matter.

Then there’s the body. At 35 the chances of getting pregnant are around 15-20% during each monthly cycle. Then at 35 it’s downhill. According to google i’m headed downhill. Supposedly the chances of the body bouncing back are around the same. I already have some loose skin from fluctuating weight and It makes me very nervous to think what could happen to my body as a result of growing another human inside in my late thirties. But who cares about that, right? Mummy scars etc etc. They say your man will still find you beautiful regardless, but say that to the wives of the two in five men that are rejecting their wives for porn, extra marital sex or massages with a happy ending. Ok Ok, but what about those insta mums, you ask? The one’s plastered all over instagram holding their babies stretch mark free with their perfect tans and tiny bikinis? These women are not the norm. A combination of good genes, good camera angles, tucking in loose bits, cosmetic procedures and being 24 years young does add to the whole yummy mummy look. And hey, if you’ve got the cash, vaginal tightening cosmetic procedures are on the cards now too. That’s if your husband values you as a piece of arm candy and earns enough to invest $50k annually in cosmetic procedures.

So what about sexual desire? Oh, sex. Such a taboo topic! Combined with the inevitable changes downstairs resulting from childbirth- which i’ve had conflicting feedback on, desire will undoubtedly shift. One of my honest girlfriends told me that things just changed down there; that sex became like throwing a hotdog down a hallway and that she never quite enjoyed it the same. My other mate told me that his friends wife has her uterus just drop out when she’s at the supermarket and basically can’t enjoy sex at all. I don’t know about you but the only thing i want to be dropping on the floor at the supermarket is my car keys. While I’ve heard both ends of the spectrum- no desire to increased desire, the ballpark seems to be that sexual desire shifts and your core needs and hormone production adapts to caring for another human. Humor me. Where’s the complete appeal in this? I get it, but let’s be honest, sexual intimacy is important. If most of you aren’t doing much of it, i’d suspect that even if you won’t admit it, you wish you were doing it more. Yes, I have a strong sexual appetite for a woman. Most days I’d be more than happy to embark on a sexual venture. If I had to make a split decision whether to film a porno or make a baby I know which would excite me more. If i can’t get my man into bed frequently enough now, then why would he desire me more when we are sleep deprived, my stomach skin is sagging and my vagina is fit to park a mini cooper? Oh how incredibly shallow of you H.V.G! As if sexual desire matters when you’re staring into the eyes of another human that you created yourself! Call me shallow, but it really is a genuine fear and I am likely speaking a truth that many women are afraid to voice.

And then there’s the stuff- oh the stuff! One of my girlfriends said, ‘oh but you get used to having all of the stuff’. Well… i’m not so convinced. I have such structured dreams about styling an incredible home. Picture Arizona meets Canadian log cabin. My dreams don’t involve placing jungle gyms and rockers in my living room and the thought of the constant mess and soiled clothing is enough to make me have kittens. And if you know me well, you would know I’m not a cat person… Moreover, having a tradie boyfriend that thinks that screws and concrete are washing machine friendly is enough stress for a woman like me. And as a career woman who has only recently experienced my first taste of non working life, I am also torn between some weird blurry desire and my innate need to work, have a career, earn money, earn my possessions, travel, buy property and not rely on another person to support me or fulfil my core needs. There is so much more to accomplish in life and I am shit scared of taking the wrong turn and experiencing regrets, whatever they may be.

And yet, even writing this article, I keep looking back at the statistics. My actual chances of falling pregnant aren’t incredible. So, given my apparent aversion and apprehension towards the topic, why does reading these statistics make me feel sick to the stomach? Surely this should only bother me if I have a deep core desire to be a mum? But for me it’s about allowing myself to enter the safe realm of choice. I want to be in a position where I am able to make the decision consciously- knowing that I am supported emotionally and financially by my man should I choose to sacrifice my body and knowing that putting my career on hold will not be the worst mistake of my life. My inherent nature – my learned behaviours from childhood is to work hard, earn my possessions and to make my own way in life – and that children are a burden. As I approach 35, the anxiety attached to the concept of motherhood is all-consuming.

But I can’t run away from this. One of life’s greatest decisions- life’s biggest opportunities for choice – taking one path vs another will shape a woman – for better or worse- for the rest of her life.

Until Next Time…

X H.V.G

High Value In The Lowest Times

For some time i have been toying with the concept of the ‘High Value Woman’. I had this concept mapped out in my head perfectly like the chronological pages in a novel. Then at 33, for the third time in a year, the love of my life left me again. All of a sudden I was faced with this downward spiral – a crash of intense emotions and pain that I had built up over a lifetime. Me. 33. Alone. But what about the ‘High Value Woman’?! How am I supposed to be ‘High Value’ and write about strength and being a great partner if I am on my own, rock bottom and my life is not in order? Then it dawned on me. Whilst listening to audio messages of support from a best male friend of more than 15 years, I realised that being a woman of worth – someone who has their life in order, does not require ticking off life’s ‘duties’ and being everything. Being ‘High Value’ is much deeper than this. It’s accepting that no matter what life throws your way and no matter who chooses to be – or not be in your life, that you continue to grow and evolve maintain the best version of yourself.

The purpose of this? So that you can provide your “higher self” to yourself as well within other avenues of life. Being “High Value” is more about knowing that your actions are driven by the right motivations and that you are so aware of your story that you can carry it high above your head and not on your shoulders . You do not have to be married, partnered, a mother or a business woman… or, you can be all of the above. Sound cliche? The message that I have finally began to process in my thirties is that you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. When you are truly happy within yourself and have reached that level of pure comfort, confidence and self esteem – AND can maintain this, the natural result is becoming a High Value Woman.

So what does this look like? I’ve met a handful of women in my life that really stood out to me. Not because these women were the most intelligent, most attractive, or most successful in their business ventures, but because they each exuded a sense of balance and confidence in all facets of life. You know who I am talking about. It’s that woman who has her eggs distributed nicely across all her baskets. Regardless of what this woman has going on in her life, she values her self-worth to such a degree that she is able to be confident within herself without the need for reassurance from external sources. The result? Being able to trust in herself and the decisions she makes for herself and her loved ones generates self esteem that is immeasurable. In here lies the key to true contentment and the ability to function at your true ‘best’, thus offering the best of yourself to the world around you.

For me, personally, amongst the most trying and challenging hardships, I have finally been faced with that “Who Am I?” question. And believe me, it’s never too late to have to answer this question. Yes, it’s a fundamentally vulnerable moment of realisation when you acknowledge that for most of your adult years, you have been running full steam ahead in a different direction to where you thought you were headed. This is particularly uncomfortable given that this moment of self-realisation for me has arisen amongst the haze of loss, grief and a true sense of rock bottom. After months of journaling my life, my experiences and my turmoil, I grudgingly realised that in my rush to grow up, I had missed the step of becoming an independent woman that values herself in ALL facets of life. And so here I am taking an honest look in the mirror – realising what and who has shaped me into who I am today, asking the question “what is my value beyond my physical and egocentric self?”

Looking back at me is a raw, rough-edged diamond covered in dirt. But a diamond nonetheless… A diamond that just needs to be polished and placed in the right setting.

And so the journey begins….

Until Next Time.

x H.V.G

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I Am The Strongest Woman I Know

This is my Journey.

My name is Millie Kate. I’m 33, relatively successful and come with a smile on my face. I am fit, healthy and attractive. From an outsiders perspective, I am like most women my age. The truth is, I have experienced great loss, trauma and grief. More than most.
My story is complex. It is painful. I have baggage. I come from a family of 6. Out of 4 kids, we are now two. I had two brothers and two lovers. I am divorced, come from dysfunctional family and have suffered my fair share of adversity in life. Through pain and suffering, I discovered the importance of building real, raw self awareness and taught myself the art of true resilience.
I do not feel sorry for myself. I am the strongest woman I know.

My self discovery journey started late.
Through life’s events and various traumas, I developed the attitude of “keep on keeping on”. I didn’t stop. Oh god it hurt to stop. I thought I was strong, but I was merely ‘coping’. Through pain, i discovered fitness, eating, writing, sex and drinking. I also built the biggest guard to protect myself and an ego that is both my vice and virtue. While I have always lived on the premise of growing through continual self improvement, it took my body physically failing me to stop and begin to truly begin to rebuild myself .

My story may be more complex than yours. It may not. I may have suffered more pain and trauma than most women my age, or perhaps not. Maybe you are hurting more than I am. I’m not here to compare. I am here on a journey of self discovery and personal growth. I am here to share my experiences and to demonstrate that life’s adversities do not have to break you – they can refine you. My quest is to become a High Value Woman – the strongest version of myself so that I can provide the best value as a partner, sister, daughter, friend and one day, mother. If my words can resonate and I can connect with one person on this journey, then I am a success.

I look forward to sharing me.

xox H.V.G

In The Words Of Charles Darwin…