The ‘Mumposter’

“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It’s huge and scary—it’s an act of infinite optimism.” – Gilda Radner

I had a moment at Salsa Class the other day. You would think that by my late thirties, I would have my shit together and quite frankly, not care what others think. When I arrived at class, I felt more than a little little insecure. I had my period, I had been struggling to figure out what to wear because I felt bloated (yes I move better when I look good), and I wasn’t exactly feeling sexy or like dancing with strangers. When I walked into the dance studio, all of the presumably younger Latinos and Latina’s (I am neither of these), were greeting one another excitedly with kisses and hugs and the energy of the room was a buzz. As usual, I removed my comfy shoes and sat down to put my heels on in the hope that I would at least look the part and be able to move my stiff hips and tight shins a little more freely. I was ok, and then I wasn’t. Firstly, I had sat down next to a young Latino guy who had been friendly to me a couple of months back, offering to meet up to practise our dancing. Due to life – being a mum and planning my own wedding, I neglected to ever lock in this practice and ever since, I couldn’t shake the cold shoulder feeling from him. He half looked up, looked at the possessions on the chair next to him then he turned back to the dancing. As two more dancers turned up, they approached him with excitement and started an energetic conversation. The calm adult in me told me to keep watching the previous class (who were very good), and to keep smiling. I am not in high school and I do not need to be affected by aloneness. But- I felt like an imposter. I felt like I shouldn’t be there- like I wasn’t cool enough, young enough or attractive enough to fit the mould of a Salsa Dancer. Mind you there are a handful of over 50’s in the classes, although the average age seems to be twenties to thirties. There was no obvious reason for me to feel this way.

When class started, I was relieved because it was a double class with two levels of dancers, meaning I could just blur into the dancing scene and forget all of my unwarranted ‘imposter syndrome’ feelings. Then there were those one or two familiar faces that I knew would make me feel welcome including the instructor. I was ok. Everything is fine. “Ok everyone, partner up and make 3 lines”, says the instructor. My ‘mum brain’ struggles to process anything complex. Threeeee lines. Uh, yes three lines. By the time I figured out what ‘three lines’ meant, I realised almost everyone had formed couples. I looked at the last couple of solo men and started to walk towards them only to be interjected by other women. Then I was alone. Oh gosh. Looking around the room, I realised that I was standing by myself and everyone else was partnered. I won’t go into the details, but it certainly felt like a primary school flash back moment where I hadn’t been picked for a sports team. My cheeks flushed as multiple people were telling me at once where to stand because I wasn’t making enough space for the couples to move in their lines. I was almost tearing up and every part of me wanted to rip off my shoes and escape from the room. When I got home, I cried.

Motherhood has really shifted my identity. Ever since I had my daughter, I haven’t felt like myself. I experience fleeting moments of myself like when I have a good session at the gym or when I’m dancing- and that’s about it. I am 18 months into motherhood. Unlike many women, I did not bounce back. Many would argue that I don’t have anything to worry about because I am a normal size and am fit. However, I have truly been grieving the person i was before becoming a mum- physically, emotionally and energetically. I am not going to lie- I used to get many looks from the opposite sex and I always felt confident whilst working out or attending social gatherings or public venues. I found keeping my appearance in check almost effortless pre motherhood. I had so much energy to train and i didn’t even have to think about the food that was going into my mouth- i must’ve just been intuitively doing the right thing. Since becoming a mum though, I have gained extra kilos that I can’t shift; losing the great hourglass shape my body used to have. Food is comfort and I have to squish my thighs and belly into my clothes these days. I have honestly aged five years and I have lost my mojo almost completely. Sex drive. What’s that?

This has been the toughest transition in my life. I do believe that some women are built for motherhood. I am not. You know those women who from their primary school years are obsessed with babies and go into adulthood with a vision of the family and the white picket fence? Then they pop out 3 under 4 and are oh so blessed and still fit into their pre baby jeans? My vision was more of the man, the high life, the travel, the career and the money. And all of the above was to be provided by yours truly. Until I was 35 I didn’t think I wanted children. My now husband provided a sense of security that I had never experienced and so my vision shifted. Trust. Protection. Being provided for. All of this is what has led me to take this path instead of the other, The outcome? I often struggle. It does not always come naturally and it is work- a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my family. “Blessed” as they say and I honestly do believe that my baby girl is some kind of miracle as she was both created and born with minimal stress or fuss. I am elated every day to have her, but it is harder than I ever imagined and there are days where I really really grieve “me”. I haven’t quite found my feet yet a year and a half into the journey and there are so many days when I feel like an imposter – just like in dance class. In dance class I WAS the mum. I felt frumpy and there was an illogical part of me that wanted to be at home being a housewife, whatever that means these days.

In motherhood, I also feel like an imposter. I feel like I am that girl from Salsa class that has entered the sacred realm of motherhood without my licence or loyalty card stamped with four visits to the maternity ward at the Royal Women’s. I often feel lost, empty and a shell of my previous self. There are so many moments of pleasure, pride and disbelief that come with the job, but I have no doubt that becoming a mother for many is an entire life transition that can take years. There is eternal work and some never even make the transition. Having a child is not simply ‘becoming a mum’. It shifts the dynamic as an individual, a partner, a lover, a friend and a career woman. It’s wild. It’s tough. It is glorious. It hurts. It changes you. Getting your ab’s back or fitting into those jeans is only touching the surface. The real work is realising that I am meant to be here and it doesn’t really matter what that looks like.

When class started, I was relieved because it was a double class with two levels of dancers, meaning I could just blur into the scene of dancing and forget all of my unwarranted feelings. Then there were those one or two familiar faces that I knew would make me feel welcome including the instructor. I was ok. Everything is fine. “Ok everyone, partner up and make 3 lines”, says the instructor. My ‘mum brain’ struggles to process anything complex. Threeeee lines. Uh, yes three lines. By the time I figured out what ‘three lines’ meant, I realised almost everyone had formed couples. I looked at the last couple of men standing alone and started to walk towards them only to be interjected by other women. Then I was alone. Oh gosh. Looking around the room, I realised that I was standing by myself and everyone was partnered. I won’t go into the details, but it certainly felt like a primary school moment where I hadn’t been picked for a sports team. My cheeks flushed as multiple people were telling me at once where to stand because I wasn’t making enough space for the couples to move in their lines. I was almost tearing up and every part of me wanted to rip off my shoes and escape from the room. When I got home, I cried.
This has been the toughest transition in my entire life. I do believe that some women are built for motherhood, I am not. You know those women who from their primary school years are obsessed with babies and go into adulthood with a vision of the family and the white picket fence? Then they pop out 3 under 4 and are oh so blessed and still fit into their pre baby jeans? My vision was more of the man, the high life, the travel, the career and the money. And all of the above was to be provided by yours truly. Until I was 35 I didn’t think I wanted children. My now husband provided a sense of security that I had never experienced and so my vision shifted. Trust. Protection. Being provided for. All of this is what has led me to take this path instead of the other, The outcome? I struggle. I am happy with my family. Blessed as they say and I honestly do believe that my baby girl is some kind of miracle as she was both created and born with minimal stress or fuss. I am happy every day to have her, but it is harder than I ever imagined and there are days where I really really grieve “me”. I haven’t quite found my feet yet a year and a half into the journey and there are so many days when I feel like an imposter – just like in dance class. In dance class I WAS the mum. I felt frumpy and there was an illogical part of me that wanted to be at home being a housewife, whatever that means these daysHaving a child isn’t just ‘becoming a mum’. It shifts the dynamic as an individual, a partner, a lover, a friend and a career woman. It’s tough. It’s wild. It’s glorious. It hurts. It changes you. Getting your ab’s back and fitting into those jeans is only the beginning.

Until next time…. Keep Dancing.

XO H.V.G.

Numero Uno..Or No?

.. Acing Numero Uno….The ultimate Love journey.

Numero Uno. Number one. In a world where our core desire is to be surrounded by love – to be greeted by our loved ones when we come home, it feels counterintuitive to direct one’s focus inwards rather than to invest it outwardly into our relationships. And rightly so – given that investing all our energy into ourselves and assuming that our relationships will magically unfold is a time bomb waiting to explode into shards of disappointment, unfulfilled desires and unrealistic expectations of what a successful relationship entails. So how does one find a successful balance, when being the opposite – overly invested in our relationships- can quickly become a dangerous and tumultuous journey of dependency and relationship anxiety?

I’ve always been a lover. I grew up dreaming of and believing in romance and soulmates. As a young adolescent, I quickly became fascinated with any novels that were centered around love and intimacy (and sex). I spent most of my teens thinking that each partner was the one i would settle with, followed by a period of sexually fueled single life, followed by meeting ‘the one’ – who turned out to not be the one. When I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, I truly believed that the man I solemnly vowed to love and honour – would be the last man in my life. Little did I know at the time, that I would be in my early 30’s, divorced and battling to understand myself as an individual as well as attempting to find a balance of ‘self’ and ‘relationship’ with a man that on most days feels like he is more into himself than me. Turns out the ‘one’ I married was a scenario of two people that lived and breathed one another to the point that ‘we’ became the norm over ‘you’ and ‘I’. But love is meant to be an obsession – right? He’s meant to be the ying to my yang and fuel me with excitement and entertain me on a daily, isn’t he? And then the stark reality hit. I am the only constant person in my life. I have to put up with ME every day and the relationships in my life are simply added value to the only core stability in my life -myself.

People come and go in life. As the Buddhists so bluntly observe, the only thing certain in life is our death. Therefore, the one continuity in our lives is our self, and as such, loving ourselves is the most crucial thing that we can learn to do. Our journey of self-love is exactly that. It is a life-long journey, and sadly there are many people that travel throughout life that never experience the full experience of self-love, let alone the ability to experience self-love in conjunction with peaceful cohabitation. Our experiences of self-love are so often masked by creating a version of ourselves that we present to the rest of the world. On the surface, we may appear to those observing from the outside that we love ourselves. Hell, you may have even convinced yourself that this image you have created is self-love. Every day, we are exposed to people that create a false image of themselves- someone who is happy, fit, healthy and successful, yet this is merely the art we create for our external world to consume. In addition, this is where the blurred lines between self love, selfishness and having narcissistic tendencies is created, leaving one struggling to find the ultimate balance.

So what about the people that devote their entire lives to caring for other people? You know who I am talking about. This person is so focused on their partner, their children and their friends, that they fail to even take the time to look in the mirror. Some individuals truly believe that love is found by looking externally, rather than inward. I was one of these people and to be honest, some days i resonate with this persona more so than someone who is highly independent and succeeding in looking within for ultimate love in fulfillment. In this state, all of ones energy is directed toward those they love. Without love, I am not worthy or happy or fulfilled. Without people to love, I may as well not exist. If I have no one to love in a romantic sense then I am failing. If I end up alone then I have ultimately failed. They travel through life relying on the care of other individuals and when they experience loss in any form, they feel that they have failed and often spiral into deep depression when that person or those people are no longer.

So how do we begin to find a balance between the love and attention that we invest into ourselves – be true to this and relationships versus the love and attention that we put into ourselves. The answer to this is not so simple. Being ABLE to look after ourselves, that is, to satisfy our own core needs and to practice self care, self development and live life with integrity and whilst meeting another person’s needs is A LOT of work. We are often made to feel guilty for being too ‘selfish’. If a mother wants time out from her child, they are selfish. If we put our own needs before our partners, we often feel guilty. In reality, the true ability to love externally comes from knowing when we need to look after number one – ourselves and how to love ourselves first.

Looking into the eyes of the man I love now, I have finally discovered that investing in our personal growth is often something that is put on the back burner when we become ‘drunk in love’, as Beyonce says. I have been forced to discover myself in the past 24 months and am forever grateful for this journey no matter how much discomfort it has caused. Investing in ourselves is the most difficult thing we can do, but our own journey – the journey of ‘self’ is ultimately the one that matters most.

....Until next time… xox H.V.G

High Value In The Lowest Times

For some time i have been toying with the concept of the ‘High Value Woman’. I had this concept mapped out in my head perfectly like the chronological pages in a novel. Then at 33, for the third time in a year, the love of my life left me again. All of a sudden I was faced with this downward spiral – a crash of intense emotions and pain that I had built up over a lifetime. Me. 33. Alone. But what about the ‘High Value Woman’?! How am I supposed to be ‘High Value’ and write about strength and being a great partner if I am on my own, rock bottom and my life is not in order? Then it dawned on me. Whilst listening to audio messages of support from a best male friend of more than 15 years, I realised that being a woman of worth – someone who has their life in order, does not require ticking off life’s ‘duties’ and being everything. Being ‘High Value’ is much deeper than this. It’s accepting that no matter what life throws your way and no matter who chooses to be – or not be in your life, that you continue to grow and evolve maintain the best version of yourself.

The purpose of this? So that you can provide your “higher self” to yourself as well within other avenues of life. Being “High Value” is more about knowing that your actions are driven by the right motivations and that you are so aware of your story that you can carry it high above your head and not on your shoulders . You do not have to be married, partnered, a mother or a business woman… or, you can be all of the above. Sound cliche? The message that I have finally began to process in my thirties is that you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. When you are truly happy within yourself and have reached that level of pure comfort, confidence and self esteem – AND can maintain this, the natural result is becoming a High Value Woman.

So what does this look like? I’ve met a handful of women in my life that really stood out to me. Not because these women were the most intelligent, most attractive, or most successful in their business ventures, but because they each exuded a sense of balance and confidence in all facets of life. You know who I am talking about. It’s that woman who has her eggs distributed nicely across all her baskets. Regardless of what this woman has going on in her life, she values her self-worth to such a degree that she is able to be confident within herself without the need for reassurance from external sources. The result? Being able to trust in herself and the decisions she makes for herself and her loved ones generates self esteem that is immeasurable. In here lies the key to true contentment and the ability to function at your true ‘best’, thus offering the best of yourself to the world around you.

For me, personally, amongst the most trying and challenging hardships, I have finally been faced with that “Who Am I?” question. And believe me, it’s never too late to have to answer this question. Yes, it’s a fundamentally vulnerable moment of realisation when you acknowledge that for most of your adult years, you have been running full steam ahead in a different direction to where you thought you were headed. This is particularly uncomfortable given that this moment of self-realisation for me has arisen amongst the haze of loss, grief and a true sense of rock bottom. After months of journaling my life, my experiences and my turmoil, I grudgingly realised that in my rush to grow up, I had missed the step of becoming an independent woman that values herself in ALL facets of life. And so here I am taking an honest look in the mirror – realising what and who has shaped me into who I am today, asking the question “what is my value beyond my physical and egocentric self?”

Looking back at me is a raw, rough-edged diamond covered in dirt. But a diamond nonetheless… A diamond that just needs to be polished and placed in the right setting.

And so the journey begins….

Until Next Time.

x H.V.G

Featured

I Am The Strongest Woman I Know

This is my Journey.

My name is Millie Kate. I’m 33, relatively successful and come with a smile on my face. I am fit, healthy and attractive. From an outsiders perspective, I am like most women my age. The truth is, I have experienced great loss, trauma and grief. More than most.
My story is complex. It is painful. I have baggage. I come from a family of 6. Out of 4 kids, we are now two. I had two brothers and two lovers. I am divorced, come from dysfunctional family and have suffered my fair share of adversity in life. Through pain and suffering, I discovered the importance of building real, raw self awareness and taught myself the art of true resilience.
I do not feel sorry for myself. I am the strongest woman I know.

My self discovery journey started late.
Through life’s events and various traumas, I developed the attitude of “keep on keeping on”. I didn’t stop. Oh god it hurt to stop. I thought I was strong, but I was merely ‘coping’. Through pain, i discovered fitness, eating, writing, sex and drinking. I also built the biggest guard to protect myself and an ego that is both my vice and virtue. While I have always lived on the premise of growing through continual self improvement, it took my body physically failing me to stop and begin to truly begin to rebuild myself .

My story may be more complex than yours. It may not. I may have suffered more pain and trauma than most women my age, or perhaps not. Maybe you are hurting more than I am. I’m not here to compare. I am here on a journey of self discovery and personal growth. I am here to share my experiences and to demonstrate that life’s adversities do not have to break you – they can refine you. My quest is to become a High Value Woman – the strongest version of myself so that I can provide the best value as a partner, sister, daughter, friend and one day, mother. If my words can resonate and I can connect with one person on this journey, then I am a success.

I look forward to sharing me.

xox H.V.G

In The Words Of Charles Darwin…