Tag: life

Please Don’t Forget Me!

In the challenging and mundane moments that are parenthood, it’s often hard to remember the times when we were just us. You, Me – Us. Partners! Hours of freedom to do what we like – listening to and responding to our own needs as they transpire. Trips away to paradise- to cities- exploring, playing and just being. Weekends filled with passion- limbs intertwined in every room of the house and him- devoted entirely to me – only me- and looking at me with eyes that so clearly convey that I am the person who brings him the most joy and fulfilment. I am happiness. I am love. I am peace. I am his safe place. Pure contentment. And then I’m not. 

Having a child is no doubt the most challenging hurdle that any couple can encounter.  I am still coming in for landing twenty months into the journey.  I knew parenthood would bring us a myriad of challenges, but I did not prepare myself for facing the fact that I am now number two in his life. Having a daughter to the man you love is a combination of complete joy and satisfaction, mixed with disconnect, loneliness and dubiety. 

Perhaps this is just my own experience and my own insecurities, but ever since becoming a mum, I have felt like less of a partner. No, I am not competing with my daughter because I am emotionally mature enough to know that the way he loves me is not the way he loves her. But I can feel that things are different and I am smart enough to know that getting his attention and his complete focus these days requires work, a huge amount of selflessness and some tact.  I am smart enough to know that not all relationships last the distance, and that entering the realm of parenthood can make or break a partnership, no matter how solid the foundation. 

It’s not easy this motherhood thing. Last night I went out to dinner with my mothers group ladies. I returned home at 11pm tired and depleted because socialising is, well… social. Husband asked me for back scratches (his love language), but I reactively and aggressively rejected him because I was counting down the seconds until my head would hit the pillow and I needed to maximise my sleep for the night in order to be a fully functioning mother from 530am for a full day of intense toddler fun. These days I prioritise myself and unfortunately, the result of that is that I am not as smitten and devoted to my man as I used to be. The flow-on effect? Our relationship suffers. He suffers. Pre baby, I was borderline obsessed with my husband. I was at his beck and call with a sex drive that was literally ‘on-tap’. He used to make my limbs shake. He was a drug. Goosebumps, heart flutters, dripping p*&$y- the works. I would get withdrawals if a certain number of days went by where we did not ‘connect’ and then I would do anything and everything for his attention. As soon as he gave me a hit of his attention and physical touch (my love language), my nervous system calmed down. If he did not give me a hit, my cortisol levels would rise and I would find myself a complete emotional mess.

 I am sure my attachment style has a lot to do with my relationship with my own father. These days I am more securely attached, but not by choice. My secure attachment is more to do with the fact that I need a bit less from a man since becoming a mother and I am craving being on my own a lot more these days due to the demands of motherhood. I am also hyper aware of my own journey and why I am who I am as a mother and wife – why I do the things I do. And so I am also reluctant to challenge my husband and beg for his attention when he is so devoted to his own baby girl instead of me. In fact, I actually want this devotion for her. I see the way he adores her. But I am also entirely absorbed by my own feelings because I had him and now I feel like I do not. I notice how he does not hear me when she is engaging him. I notice the empty silence and single word responses when I express my emotions. I notice the days where he does not kiss me goodbye or greet me hello  and the times where I am talking to myself and no one is listening.  I do not feel heard, held or noticed and I crave all of this so much. I deserve this so much.

I get why relationships – why marriages fail. I get why people cheat. I have ticked off all of the above. One minute you’re entirely devoted, the next minute you’re feeling flat, undesirable and literally craving attention- any attention! Some other person is interested in you and bang! A fire inside you lights up. And so the demise begins. 

Dear Husband, please don’t forget me. I adore how you adore your baby girl. It brings me so much pleasure, particularly as I have no memory of my own father adoring me this way. Every little girl craves for her father to be devoted to her and the way that you ravish our girl is exactly as it should be. But me – your wife. I need more. I deserve more. Because I am still the baby girl that was not ravished by her own father. There is a little girl inside me and she is still hurting. She craves to be adored, loved unconditionally, desired and touched. She craves to be the centre of attention and for your eyes to be glazed over as you look at her. Darling husband, please look at me with admiration the same way you used to- before her. I know that you cannot replace what I have not been blessed with prior to our partnership, but I do know that you can cherish my commitment to you better and with more zest and more dedication. I do not need to be pushed aside because you have a new ‘love’. Love me- as I am- with her. Love us together because ultimately, you and me – we ARE her...

…Until Next Time…

H.V.G.

X.O.X.O

Numero Uno..Or No?

.. Acing Numero Uno….The ultimate Love journey.

Numero Uno. Number one. In a world where our core desire is to be surrounded by love – to be greeted by our loved ones when we come home, it feels counterintuitive to direct one’s focus inwards rather than to invest it outwardly into our relationships. And rightly so – given that investing all our energy into ourselves and assuming that our relationships will magically unfold is a time bomb waiting to explode into shards of disappointment, unfulfilled desires and unrealistic expectations of what a successful relationship entails. So how does one find a successful balance, when being the opposite – overly invested in our relationships- can quickly become a dangerous and tumultuous journey of dependency and relationship anxiety?

I’ve always been a lover. I grew up dreaming of  and believing in romance and soulmates. As a young adolescent, I quickly became fascinated with any novels that were centered around love and intimacy (and sex). I spent most of my teens thinking that each partner was the one i would settle with, followed by a period of sexually fueled single life, followed by meeting ‘the one’ – who turned out to not be the one. When I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, I truly believed that the man I solemnly vowed to love and honour – would be the last man in my life. Little did I know at the time, that I would be in my early 30’s, divorced and battling to understand myself as an individual as well as attempting to find a balance of ‘self’ and ‘relationship’ with a man that on most days feels like he is more into himself than me. Turns out the ‘one’ I married was a scenario of two people that lived and breathed one another to the point that ‘we’ became the norm over ‘you’ and ‘I’. But love is meant to be an obsession – right? He’s meant to be the ying to my yang and fuel me with excitement and entertain me on a daily, isn’t he? And then the stark reality hit. I am the only constant person in my life. I have to put up with ME every day and the relationships in my life are simply added value to the only core stability in my life -myself. 

People come and go in life. As the Buddhists so bluntly observe, the only thing certain in life is our death. Therefore, the one continuity in our lives is our self, and as such, loving ourselves is the most crucial thing that we can learn to do. Our journey of self-love is exactly that. It is a life-long journey, and sadly there are many people that travel throughout life that never experience the full experience of self-love, let alone the ability to experience self-love in conjunction with peaceful cohabitation. Our experiences of self-love are so often masked by creating a version of ourselves that we present to the rest of the world. On the surface, we may appear to those observing from the outside  that we love ourselves. Hell, you may have even convinced yourself that this image you have created is self-love. Every day, we are exposed to people that create a false image of themselves- someone who is happy, fit, healthy and successful, yet this is merely the art we create for our external world to consume. In addition, this is where the blurred lines between self love, selfishness and having narcissistic tendencies is created, leaving one struggling to find the ultimate balance. 

So what about the people that devote their entire lives to caring for other people? You know who I am talking about. This person is so focused on their partner, their children and their friends, that they fail to even take the time to look in the mirror. Some individuals truly believe that love is found by looking externally, rather than inward. I was one of these people and to be honest, some days i resonate with this persona more so than someone who is highly independent and succeeding in looking within for ultimate love in fulfillment. In this state, all of ones energy is directed toward those they love. Without love, I am not worthy or happy or fulfilled. Without people to love, I may as well not exist. If I have no one to love in a romantic sense then I am failing. If I end up alone then I have ultimately failed. They travel through life relying on the care of other individuals and when they experience loss in any form, they feel that they have failed and often spiral into deep depression when that person or those people are no longer.   

So how do we begin to find a balance between the love and attention that we invest into ourselves – be true to this and relationships versus the love and attention that we put into ourselves. The answer to this is not so simple. Being ABLE to look after ourselves, that is, to satisfy our own core needs and to practice self care, self development and  live life with integrity and whilst meeting another person’s needs is A LOT of work. We are often made to feel guilty for being too ‘selfish’. If a mother wants time out from her child, they are selfish. If we put our own needs before our partners, we often feel guilty. In reality, the true ability to love externally comes from knowing when we need to look after number one – ourselves and how to love ourselves first. 

Looking into the eyes of the man I love now, I have finally discovered that investing in our personal growth is often something that is put on the back burner when we become ‘drunk in love’, as Beyonce says. I have been forced to discover myself in the past 24 months and am forever grateful for this journey no matter how much discomfort it has caused. Investing in ourselves is the most difficult thing we can do, but our own journey – the journey of ‘self’ is ultimately the one that matters most. 

....Until next time… xox H.V.G